Living with Anxiety and Depression
By Clarissa Enos Plagmann
Ever hear of Impostor Syndrome? Writers talk about it all the time. It is a psychological pattern where a person feels like their accomplishments are nothing and they will be exposed as a fraud if they talk about their accomplishments. It holds a lot of writers back (me included). Except, when it comes to myself, I have it in other areas of my life as well. I constantly feel like a fraud. I have tried so many ways of overcoming this persistent doubt: ignoring it, escaping my world, finding out who I really am and being that. Nothing has worked, and at the end of the day I still feel like a fraud.
The other day as we were driving home, I was telling my husband about it. I told him how I've always felt like nothing I did held any value, and how I even feel like a fraud telling people I have anxiety and depression. Then, the other day, after feeling defeated and tired of feeling like I didn't matter (no matter how many people have told me I do matter) I finally decided enough was enough. So, with Preston by my side, I went online and set up an appointment with my doctor to see what I needed to do to get some help with my depression. Unfortunately, the earliest appointment I could find was a few weeks out and didn't really work well with our schedule, but I set up the appointment and waited for the confirmation, which never came. Even though I knew it'd be easier, I didn't want to call and set up an appointment because just thinking about making that call gave me anxiety. Finally, we decided to switch computers and I logged myself into my account and Preston set up the appointment for me (because by then I was beyond frustrated and ready to give up). And then, miracle of miracles, I found an earlier appointment!
My appointment was today, I can't tell you how many times I ran through that conversation in my head: what I was going to say to my doctor, how I was going to explain myself and why I think I have depression. In my mind, I was still in that mindset that I needed to explain myself and my depression.
It's so easy when others tell me about how they're feeling, to just say "you have depression, you should see a doctor" but when it's me I never feel like it's bad enough to need a doctor. Part of this may be because I've always been that friend my friends confided in when they were feeling depressed, and to me their depression seemed worse than mine, and therefore in my mind that made mine nothing. I've always somehow been in this business of comparing my life and trials to others' lives and trials.
On the other side, there was this experience I remember, where I went to see a counselor for help. I was dealing with terrible depression, and with my family's history of bipolar my mom thought I might be bipolar. So, I finally gave in and set up an appointment at my school's counseling center to see what I could do to feel better. The doctor had my mom and myself fill out a questionnaire and then had me email it to her and set up another appointment to see her. She told me that I was not bipolar, and that I actually had ADD and I should see a psychiatrist for medication (which I didn't want at that point) but that the psychiatrist wouldn't be there until the next semester. Then, she asked if I would still like another appointment that semester and I said yes (because notwithstanding the ADD diagnosis, I was still depressed and needed someone to talk to and needed some coping mechanisms) and we set it up. A couple weeks later, the last week of the semester, I came back for my appointment. I was sitting in the foyer for about twenty minutes or so with another student. Finally she came out and called the other student back, and the secretary pointed at me. She told the other student to go wait in her office and came over to me. I don't remember what she said, but basically it amounted to: "You don't belong here, I wouldn't set up an appointment with you when I have more important patients to see." All I remember is walking out feeling like a fraud. Feeling like my depression wasn't important, like I wasn't important. I never tried seeing another counselor while at school because I was afraid I'd see her again, and I haven't been able to afford to see a counselor or therapist since graduating.
Now, however, with a child to care for, I feel the need and desire to figure this thing out. To find what works for me naturally, and to work on feeling better so I can be more actively a part of my daughter's life and my husband's life.
Back to my appointment today: My husband and daughter came with me, because it helped to ease some of the anxiety, and also hold myself accountable to say what I needed to say to get the help I needed. And, my doctor and her nurse were very kind and helped me figure out what I needed to do in order to start feeling better. I even braved making a phone call in order to set up an appointment with a therapist to begin working through everything and start down the road to feeling better.
Despite all this, I know it'll be a lot of hard work telling that little voice in the back of my head that I am worthy. My feelings are valid. I do matter. But, I will. I will tell that little voice that sometimes seems so big that I matter. My feelings are valid. I don't have to feel sorry. I am loved.
Disclaimer: I am not sharing any of this for condolences or for advice. Chances are any advice you could offer, I have already heard a hundred times and have already tried it, am not interested in trying it, or am already planning on trying it. I am sharing this as part of my own personal therapy (I have heard writing helps, and writing is in my blood, so why not?) and also to share a bit of what I'm going through mentally and emotionally and as an explanation of why I might not have tried hanging out with you more or messaged you more in these more recent months, since getting pregnant last year and especially since giving birth 6 months ago. I love all of you, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I am all ears. And, if you are willing to be a listening ear, definitely message me sometime so that I know who I can count on when it feels like my life is falling apart. Love y'all!
<3Clarissa
Ever hear of Impostor Syndrome? Writers talk about it all the time. It is a psychological pattern where a person feels like their accomplishments are nothing and they will be exposed as a fraud if they talk about their accomplishments. It holds a lot of writers back (me included). Except, when it comes to myself, I have it in other areas of my life as well. I constantly feel like a fraud. I have tried so many ways of overcoming this persistent doubt: ignoring it, escaping my world, finding out who I really am and being that. Nothing has worked, and at the end of the day I still feel like a fraud.
The other day as we were driving home, I was telling my husband about it. I told him how I've always felt like nothing I did held any value, and how I even feel like a fraud telling people I have anxiety and depression. Then, the other day, after feeling defeated and tired of feeling like I didn't matter (no matter how many people have told me I do matter) I finally decided enough was enough. So, with Preston by my side, I went online and set up an appointment with my doctor to see what I needed to do to get some help with my depression. Unfortunately, the earliest appointment I could find was a few weeks out and didn't really work well with our schedule, but I set up the appointment and waited for the confirmation, which never came. Even though I knew it'd be easier, I didn't want to call and set up an appointment because just thinking about making that call gave me anxiety. Finally, we decided to switch computers and I logged myself into my account and Preston set up the appointment for me (because by then I was beyond frustrated and ready to give up). And then, miracle of miracles, I found an earlier appointment!
My appointment was today, I can't tell you how many times I ran through that conversation in my head: what I was going to say to my doctor, how I was going to explain myself and why I think I have depression. In my mind, I was still in that mindset that I needed to explain myself and my depression.
It's so easy when others tell me about how they're feeling, to just say "you have depression, you should see a doctor" but when it's me I never feel like it's bad enough to need a doctor. Part of this may be because I've always been that friend my friends confided in when they were feeling depressed, and to me their depression seemed worse than mine, and therefore in my mind that made mine nothing. I've always somehow been in this business of comparing my life and trials to others' lives and trials.
On the other side, there was this experience I remember, where I went to see a counselor for help. I was dealing with terrible depression, and with my family's history of bipolar my mom thought I might be bipolar. So, I finally gave in and set up an appointment at my school's counseling center to see what I could do to feel better. The doctor had my mom and myself fill out a questionnaire and then had me email it to her and set up another appointment to see her. She told me that I was not bipolar, and that I actually had ADD and I should see a psychiatrist for medication (which I didn't want at that point) but that the psychiatrist wouldn't be there until the next semester. Then, she asked if I would still like another appointment that semester and I said yes (because notwithstanding the ADD diagnosis, I was still depressed and needed someone to talk to and needed some coping mechanisms) and we set it up. A couple weeks later, the last week of the semester, I came back for my appointment. I was sitting in the foyer for about twenty minutes or so with another student. Finally she came out and called the other student back, and the secretary pointed at me. She told the other student to go wait in her office and came over to me. I don't remember what she said, but basically it amounted to: "You don't belong here, I wouldn't set up an appointment with you when I have more important patients to see." All I remember is walking out feeling like a fraud. Feeling like my depression wasn't important, like I wasn't important. I never tried seeing another counselor while at school because I was afraid I'd see her again, and I haven't been able to afford to see a counselor or therapist since graduating.
Now, however, with a child to care for, I feel the need and desire to figure this thing out. To find what works for me naturally, and to work on feeling better so I can be more actively a part of my daughter's life and my husband's life.
Back to my appointment today: My husband and daughter came with me, because it helped to ease some of the anxiety, and also hold myself accountable to say what I needed to say to get the help I needed. And, my doctor and her nurse were very kind and helped me figure out what I needed to do in order to start feeling better. I even braved making a phone call in order to set up an appointment with a therapist to begin working through everything and start down the road to feeling better.
Despite all this, I know it'll be a lot of hard work telling that little voice in the back of my head that I am worthy. My feelings are valid. I do matter. But, I will. I will tell that little voice that sometimes seems so big that I matter. My feelings are valid. I don't have to feel sorry. I am loved.
I've been through depression. I've had people make light of it. I've had people understand. I know what it's like to rationally say things aren't that bad. But inside, the world was crashing anyway. In my case, once was a hormonal thing that went away after I went off birth control. The other time my life really was that bad and I just had to struggle through it. Whatever the cause, I'm sorry to hear you're going through it and you have my love and support.
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